When I was ten

Sitting in the back of the van, with my feet up Finished with Archie comics and punch buggies  I watched the signs whizz by  Okanagan peaches Nectarines BC cherries Looking at my stained fingers, remembering their sweetness I said it then, to my insides, my  safe place Yes, I will move here  When I grow...

Before they are light

October 10, 2020 Every day, several times a day, I think about writing. Jumping to judgement, then anxiety and overwhelm, then condemnation for self-judgement, and back to the start, again. Then I stop thinking about writing. I've been reading the writings of others a lot. To find the words from dear spirits, or strangers, that...

Reflections on my Cancer Diagnosis Anniversary: this year and 2017 reblog

July 31, 2020

A couple of days ago – July 29th – was the four-year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis.

It was a Friday afternoon. I remember leaving my GP’s office, getting in my brand new ‘I’m-freshly-divorced-I-deserve-it’ car, and driving to a local park where I could pull over in the shade and make a phone call.

I was numb, then shaking, then numb again. I felt vulnerable, terrified, and had a feeling that didn’t hit me very often: I wanted my Mom.

My Mom who was diagnosed at 44 and died at 47 from Stage IV metastatic breast cancer.

Even if I had been able to connect with my Mom in the spirit realm, I didn’t think it was likely that she would’ve said (or that I would’ve believed) words along the lines of “everything will be alright.”

~

Four years later, the memories of that day are like still frames in my mind; fixed in time.

Health-wise, I’m almost 3 and ½ years out of treatment with no recurrence. That’s particularly good news as triple-negative breast cancer (TNBC) has a high recurrence rate and is greatest within the first three years. After five years, the recurrence rate drops sharply.

My post-treatment surveillance plan has included quarterly examinations by my GP, and MRIs every six months, because my cancer was grade III (very fast-growing). I had my last MRI scheduled for April, but it was cancelled due to COVID-19. All surgeries and diagnostics were suspended while hospital resources were focused on preparing for the pandemic impacts.

In June, surgeries and diagnostics started to get rescheduled. My April MRI is now happening tomorrow – August 1st – so it was delayed by four months.

I usually go into the MRI feeling a little nervous – and sometimes find myself trying to read the faces of the technicians and doctor after the scan: what did they see? Are they avoiding eye contact?

I feel the same about tomorrow – nervous. I’m monitoring my self-talk and trying not to create a ‘story’ about the four-month delay, but instead I am affirming my health and wellbeing.

Our thoughts create our reality, and determine how we ultimately ‘define’ our lived experience. I’m learning the power of affirmations, and how my inner voice can either lift me up with love and hope, or keep me focused on the past, on what-ifs and troublesome outcomes.

~

Reflections on My Journey

July 29, 2017

This blog space has been quieter over the past few months.  For a while, I thought that I was writing less simply because this period of time has been filled with more activity than when I was recovering from surgery and going through treatment.  That is, busier life = less time to reflect and/or blog.

But I don’t think that this was the case, really.  Those close to me know I’ve spent a considerable amount of time on retreat since my last chemotherapy treatment in late January – both at home and in other environments.  There’s no shortage of reflection going on. I think what it comes down to is that I haven’t known what to say.  There’s no simple way to explain or describe what life is like, now.

Then

One year ago today I met with my GP and she told me the results of…

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